Hollywood movies have a special way of capturing a moment and proportionately spinning that moment out of control. Even movies based on a true story, are spun into a twisted ball of emotions to make a viewer cry, laugh, get angry, or frustrated. But can you blame them? The fame of a Hollywood hit comes from having the key to a viewers heart. At least I thought I could not blame them until I recently saw Act of Valor.
I came out of the movie theater an emotional wreck. My sailor is not a part Navy Seals Team (thank goodness as they do rough and dangerous missions) but it was still a reality and mental check. On some levels, the movie is action filled, exciting, and sad. It is also very real at times, trying to capture the lives of military families. However, it made the fighting and military part of the movie look like a good drama. People came out of the theater screaming that fight was cool, that weapon was awesome... It is an act to try to get people to support and join the armed forces.
I love to support the armed forces but war is not glamor. And as much as I hate to say it, we do not always win. Sure the movie is about a wife who loses her husband in the line of duty. It's obvious they do not always win. But I noticed they did not show the grueling training, the emotional wreck of the family, or even a slight bit of humanity. And that just makes me mad. Wives sacrifice for the family and they have a story to tell too. It is not glamor and wives have a lot of emotional barriers. Your husband is fighting a war. Someone that means more to you than anyone else is out sacrificing his life to save yours. It is still an excellent movie but there are not many resources that capture the wife story.
Here is a quote from the movie that particularly appealed to me as the sailor left home:
"Your family may never understand your sacrifice. But you better hope they accept it." - Act of Valor
I don't understand it. I probably never will. But I must accept it if I want to save our marriage and stay in love. I understand it is hard to accept it but there is no other way to make the marriage work. It takes time, love, and understanding. And if you cannot give it your full power to support the issue, it will be hard to have a happy and fulfilling marriage.
Words of Advice:
1. Time: It will take time to make accept why your husband is leaving you for the military. But try to understand why during that time. Ask questions and talk about your feelings. He may have answers that are tough to hear but once you take time to think about them, it may help you accept the issue.
2. Seek Advice: You are not alone even if it feels like it. Talk to military wives to see how they deal with it and accept it. Have your kids talk to military children. Seek help from people who have done it before and know the feelings you are going through.
3. Realize Emotions: Hiding your emotions is like trying to stop a volcano from erupting. You might as well just let them go to save a big meltdown. Be honest and clear in how you feel and try to figure out why. If you are honest and know why you feel them, people can seek help for you and can try to find an answer or comforting thought to that deep down swelling pit of mixed feeling. Talk to counselor. You have free medical insurance and people on base who see this everyday!
4. Take it Day by Day: Life is not always bad. So do not let it be. Let the good days be good and the not so good days live in history. Try to put things behind and keep a positive stride forward. On those bad days, talk and remember that someone loves you and believes in you no matter the distance and like you, he is fighting.
5. Keep that Distracted Mind Busy: Have routines and a huge to-do list. Tasks will make you tired and be able to sleep through anxiety and will keep you busy through those awake hours. Your husband will be impressed when you come home and the dishwasher is sparkling, you learned how to play the piano, planted a garden, and you perfected your makeup technique.
6. Talk: Talk it out with your spouse about bad feelings. Never leave them unspoken. As long as you talk, you will never face a marriage meltdown. And as long as you remain passionate towards each other, you will always try to love and make each other happy. Keep that passion by talking and doing things for you two.
7. Take Time for You: Bubble baths, pedicures, movies... Love yourself.You will be amazed what falls into place when you love you and your life.
I don't want to accept it. But I know I have no other way to keep the person who makes me happier than anyone in this world so I accept the challenges and curve balls that life will throw at me. And I must never forget how much stronger, greater, and well diverse I will be after facing the challenge and embracing the reward. And as for Hollywood, here is how it is really done.
I challenge any military wife and any wife or husband to listen to the theme song from Act of Valor and think: Would you give your life for your wife or husband?
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